Reflections on Letting Go
And Nine Bits of Wisdom that Helped
It’s just paper, it’s just stuff, I thought. I’m going to open this little bin of my deceased sister’s and clear it out. I lifted the lid of the little bin, saw the ID cards she’d saved, and felt sick to my stomach. Not today!
I’m the one who saw Tanya (my sister) through her illness. I’m the one who created the exhibit of her contributions to the neighborhood and the city. I displayed her extraordinary knitted designs and gave away her knitted socks at the memorial. And I’m the one who took her books and papers to my rented basement two blocks away. After a year, I gave away her books. But her files, photos, diaries, and portfolios -- not so easy.
Periodically, I’d pull her big art portfolios out from under the couches, thinking, “It’s just paper, surely now I can let this go.” I’d open them, stare at the architectural drawings and… nope! Back they went under the couch.
And the “Village” game my siblings and I had created together. My brother and I laughed hysterically at the meticulous bookkeeping of nickels and dimes. And then he was ready to let it go. Not me.
You can take photos, someone said. Uh uh. That’s you, not me.
I could explore the psychological, emotional, and spiritual meaning of these blocks, but I’d rather reflect on what helped me let go.
In my coaching, I get to share lots of tips for decluttering and downsizing and applying the wisdom to myself is exhilarating. It deepens my understanding and compassion. As I packed up my Philadelphia household and unpacked in California, I went through all kinds of emotions. These bits of wisdom helped me:
1 Let emotions do their healing work. Allow the pain, sadness and fear. Don’t analyze, don’t argue, don’t dwell on the emotion. Allow the emotion to happen and move through me. It happens in layers. Each time brings me closer to lightness.
2 Create a clear intention. I decided that I wanted to start fresh, to begin my new life with as little baggage as possible, so I could be as present as possible. And I wanted everything to fit inside the house. No storage unit, no garage storage.
3 Distance helps. My sister’s books needed their time. The ID cards, photos and papers moved with me across the country. There, the combination of physical distance and my intention to start afresh made letting go suddenly possible.
4 Display things you enjoy - I decorated our house with my favorites of Tanya’s design school assignments - a color wheel and other studies. A few drawings were laminated. I decided to use them as placemats (and conversation pieces).
5 Get help. It was a friend who first encouraged me to make a fresh start; she essentially gave me permission to do something I wanted to do but felt obligated not to — discard Tanya’s letters and diaries. One of the many times I pulled out her portfolios and stared impossibly at the pages, a friend was visiting. Just showing it to her, I saw the pages differently.
6 Get granular. I opened the portfolio and showed my friend one page at a time. This one, I don’t care about. This one I don’t like. This one I’ll keep. And this time I emptied all three portfolios!
7 Ask questions. Did I miss this? Does keeping this make me feel lighter or heavier?
8 Reflect on death. It’s coming someday. My sister let go of all of her things when she died. Some day I, too, will leave this life. And someone else will have to toss it. I can let it go now.
9 Be kind. I did keep a few cards that made me laugh. And the “Village” bookkeeping. My scrapbooks and diaries will wait. I’ve purged enough for this season.
Do any of these bits resonate with you? What helps you let go?